As I chatted with my mom on the phone last week, a whine crept into my voice.
“I wanna friend.” I said quietly. I swung my legs up onto my bed and sighed. “I want somebody to squabble over movie picks, laugh over homemade nachos, and go out for coffee with me. I want to feel like I’m pursuing a connection. I want to stop feeling so alone.”
All around me, I saw people connecting. I heard their stories and their laughter at the mall. I saw the shared glances and the tags on social media. I felt the unspoken communication and also felt the akwardness when I’d missed an inside joke. The week was coming to a close, and I was worn out. Worn out from keeping my dreams and ideas bottled up inside. I was coming close to running on empty.
She waited patiently for me to run out of steam before speaking. “Maybe you need to stop trying so hard. Maybe God’s waiting for you to shift your focus off of finding a friend, and onto seeking Hin.”
“I AM.” I huffed. There was no easy way to say what she’d said. She walked in the same shoes every day, and knew the ache I felt. She knew me. The minute I cease to try, and I simply be myself things fall into place. It’s hard getting out of the mindset that we have to make everything happen, and that if we aren’t pushing for it, no one else will. But it’s necessary. I believed no one else was going to seek a connection, so every friendship was my responsibility. And to some extent, I was right. But to a greater extent, I was very wrong. Relationships require committment, yes, but they aren’t forced. Friendships can’t be bent and shaped how we’d like; they evolve on their own. I know this now, but even as I write this, I realize that I had no clue a week ago.
Shortly after our nighttime conversations, I took a week off from work. I wanted to spend several days at the staion, focused soley on preparing for the state final. Monday and Tuesday went by, each with lessons of their own. When my captain asked if I was interested in old movies, something prompted me to say yes. Normally I’m not a fan on vintage media, but I made an exception. He proceeded to invite me to accompany he and his wife to a showing in town. “Only if that’s something you’d like.”
“YES.” Please yes. Please offer me a reason to get out of my room. Please be okay with me being awkward. Please see how honoured I feel to share the evening as your friend, when you knew there wouldn’t be another soul there my age.
And thank you. Thank you for seeing me. Thank you for recognizing my efforts to get inolved in the community. Thanks for extending the offer.
See, when you see someone’s eyes light up and hear their voice get softer as they reminisce, when you stop worrying and simply enjoy their newfound energy, when you can hear the beat of their heart in the words they say; that’s friendship.
C. S. Lewis once said, “Frienship is finding another person and saying, what? You too? I thought it was only me!”
Finding people who make you feel less alone? That’s good. Finding people who make you feel less lonely? Even better. When we’re alone, we can’t express what’s weighing us down, or what makes us happy. There’s simply no on there. Sometimes, even when we’re around people, we still can’t express it. But when we find ourselves with certain people, we can express not only what’s on our mind, but what’s on our heart. We sense that their struggles are not so different from our own.
Sometimes, we need to remember we weren’t made to conquer mountains or see the sunrise at the top by ourselves. We were made to share those moments. So when I whine, please feel free to place your hand over my mouth, buy me a cup of coffee and lend a sympathetic ear. Mountains will shrink back to mole hills when I realize I don’t face them alone.
Wayward Medic 